January has been grey in so many ways. It feels sometimes like we should be used to this by now, but this third lockdown has really pulled out all the stops of being Especially Shit. Any novelty factor of socialising on Zoom or having time at home has well and truly worn off and without sunny days outside, the daily walk is more of a trudge. This comes, of course, with the caveat that I am very fortunate to be able to be sad about these quite minor things rather than, say, losing a job or a loved one.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wish I was doing- living with my friends, having busy days, making plans- rather than the current reality of writing my dissertation in my childhood bedroom. I was given some good advice to try and ‘shrink my world’- as much as I wish my horizons were wider, I’m trying to just accept that the world is small right now, that days are limited. This is the mindset of the moment; I won’t pretend that it is an especially positive one but it is at least better than straining against the lockdown leash.
Shrinking the world means really becoming quite boring, I am discovering. I am invested in the lives of the people who live across the street and their new puppy (to a frankly slightly creepy extent). What counts as ‘news’ in conversations with friends wouldn’t have made the small print in previous times. I wore some new socks recently and it changed my whole day.
I hope that when this is over it will be easy to expand the world again. Introspection is fine but I would like to think more broadly again, to contribute rather than just getting through my own little days. I hope that huge possibility and spontaneity will come back, and I hope that we will be able to wear our most extravagant outfits and throw parties for the people we love and hug every single one of them.
KV